Santa Monica High School Undergoes Environmental Reform

by Ryan Kashanchi, contributor

SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA -- Despite global overproduction of waste products and environmental hazards, Santa Monica High School (SAMOHI) has recently implemented its new set of initiatives focussed on reducing the amount of waste generated per capita by the school. Their new program “Sustainably Holistic Initiatives Towards Selectively Halting Our Waste,” or SHITSHOW, aims at raising environmental concern and making the most out of every waste product created on the campus, ranging from leftover worksheets in class to bloody diarrhea in lavatories. 

The program functions on the underlying premise that all things are reusable and recyclable. For example, just this past Thursday a coalition of students, custodians, and teachers worked together by collecting the urine banks located in the urinals at the high school’s bathrooms. 

“You see, the cool thing about upscaling is that it can even be applied to the bodily fluids that we secrete,” explained Timofey Lissenskiy, student-leader of the coalition. “What we do is that we collect the urine in our environmentally friendly hydroflasks, douse all of it in a closed container full of used tissues, used toilet paper, and gently-used feminine products, mix it around, and then reload once dried up highlighters with new ink. We don’t use gloves either, since that’s just adding more waste in an already pretty wasteful situation.”

“We’re thinking about making it a Delians event,” Lissenskiy added. 

In addition to creative reuse, the initiatives also enforce a strict “no-touch-no-flush” defecation policy. 

“The number of times people flush the toilet at this school is unbelievable. We’re talking about hundreds of gallons of precious water just wasted down the drain and other faucets,” said SAMOHI principal Dr. Shelton. “We’ve got secret cameras documenting it all,” he said under his breath. “Just nasty.”

As an attempt to solve this environmental dilemma, the new defecation policy states that no person on campus, student or staff, is allowed to flush their toilet until the fecal and urinary matter reaches the brim of the bowl, that is, until the built-up waste has grazed the skin of the next waste-emitter. 

Security Guard Dee has now assumed the role as the overseer of such fecal secretion. When upon being asked if he’s aware that rogue defecators are to be shot on site,  Dee curtly responded with, “I understand.”

Environmental consciousness has even made its way to the athletics realm, with Cross Country and Track & Field athletes doing what they can during their off-campus runs. “As you might know,” explained Borna Hemmaty, proud junior still on the frosh-soph teams for both ‘sports,’ “Samo is a bit too close for comfort from the often-intoxicated homeless population, or ‘crackheads’ (as is the proper medical term). Sometimes, we go out to our friendly neighbors and do them the liberty of taking their interestingly shaped Venetian glassware back to Samo. More often than not, we’ll find some shredded up maple leaves that they were obviously trying to grow in these funky Erlenmeyer Flasks.”

Hemmaty continued on by saying how in collaboration with the gardening club at SAMOHI, the Cross Country team helps plant the seeds of the leaves in the high-school’s community garden. “All the extra plants will take up the excess CO2 in the atmosphere, thereby removing potent greenhouse gases,” spoke Shai Grossman on the action plan, red-eyed in excitement. “We plan to go carbon-negative by 4:20 this afternoon,” he winked proudly.
“All in all, the whole set of guidelines and regulations are just some of the ways we plan to reduce our carbon footprint while making us more environmentally conscious,” said SAMOHI principal Dr. Shelton. “Everything is wasteful; it’s our job as humans to take care of our planet and reduce our waste. Thankfully with all these environmental initiatives, we’re able to use our once decorative recycling bins for places for homeless people to sleep, or whatever they do. This is our only ho-- I’m sorry, they put what in the highlighters?!”