Ask Ella
Dear Ella,My Boyfriend Dennis is home late almost every night and when he is here he’s weird and distant. I don’t think he’s cheating on me, but it still seems like something isn’t right. What can I do to make this relationship not feel like a chore? Thanks,Sad and ConfusedHi Sad and Confused!Ella got norovirus at a deli in Kansas and is currently puking her brains out in a Residence Inn toilet. I’m Jill and I’ll be taking over while she’s gone.First off, this guy probably doesn’t know he’s doing anything wrong. One great way to send a subtle message that all is not well is to leave a single clove of garlic on top of the oven. He’ll think, Huh! garlic is a pretty normal sight in a kitchen, but what’s it doing resting on the oven like it owns the place? He won’t know what it means, but will want to find out! Next, take a roll of reflective masking tape and when he’s in the shower, seal the door from the outside. If he’s smart, he’ll soon realize that the steam from the hot water will make the tape lose its adhesive property. After a few hours, the tape will fall off and he’ll emerge repentant and in a much better mood than he was.After this, you must be friendly and encouraging for six days. Make light conversation and respond positively when he shares with you. Something like this is good:Dennis: The office coffee maker broke today.You: What a drag! I enjoy coffee and would certainly not like someone to break my coffeemaker.Dennis: yeah, Carl’s been on my butt all day because I bet him ten bucks it’d last the year.You: (Laugh hysterically) Yes. That Carl sure is a boisterous one. Up top! (High-five Dennis, if all goes well)If after all of this he’s still being a jerk, you can always take some baby formula and a lighter and scare the crap out of him.All the best,JillDear Ella,My drinking glasses have gotten so cloudy that they never look clean! I’m embarrassed to have company over, help!I don’t need an answer right away, I can wait until you’re back btw.cheers, Miss SukeyMiss Sukey, Jill here! Once your glasses get too cloudy to use for drinking, have no fear! Turn the glasses upside down and put an electric candle inside each one. Take a sharpie and draw two black eyes and a mouth for fun spooky ghost candles!By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice your last line. I’m a nice woman with two cats and a Ford Fusion. I don’t have to be doing this. You should be thankful that anyone at all is responding. Who writes to advice columns for cleaning tips in 2016? Who cares if your glasses are cloudy? Just buy new ones. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter. Coldly,JillDear Ella, Are you coming back soon? Not loving the whole ‘Jill’ thing. I’m actually kind of amazed that any of this is being published. Like, is anybody proofreading this?Concerned, WendyHey Fartbag!Nice try!!!--Jill Dear Readers, Thank you all for the kind letters while I was ill! I understand that there has been some concern around my stand-in. Rest assured that she is no longer working here. I hope you’ll all be patient; I’ll get to everybody eventually but the requests have been piling up!Lots of love, EllaP.S. PSYCH IT’S JILL YOU’RE ALL DUMB I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER.