What to do in quarantine
Coronavirus— everyone’s favorite harbinger of the apocalypse, and everyone’s least favorite parent who has grounded us. Quarantine might have been cool and fun when it meant school was cancelled, but now it's just depressing. What are any of us supposed to do with no friends around (the ones we definitely had beforehand) and one building to knock around in? Well, struggle no more. Here are ten slam dunk activities to occupy the black hole nonexistent in between time that this “social distancing” has wrought.
- Catch up on trends!
All this extra time while not in school will leave you with plenty of time to discover the 21st century. We all know you’ve been waiting to watch that one show you keep telling everyone not to spoil for you and now you have time to do it. I know you’ve been putting it off. What are you afraid of? Watch the show already. You have no more excuses.
- Get addicted to tik tok
Birds do it, bees do it, everyone’s doing it, let’s develop an addiction! You’re not a cool kid, don’t fool yourself and try to vape. Instead, vent all your terrible anxieties into the metal box! The people will judge your validity, and if you survive you get “the hype.” I know this sounds like some sort of vague dark cloud that blocks out the sun above your abode, but it's actually nothing! That’s it, you get absolutely nothing. It is delightful.
- Do your online work
It’s important to keep to a good schedule without any other structure HAhahaha YOU WERE FOOLED. Why would you ever do your work, that’s idiotic.
- Procrastinate your online work
Ah, that’s more like it. Never, ever do work, ever. This will reel you into the corrupt capitalist system. All school does is program us for a dreary future of repetitive financial struggles. Plus, school work is BORING. You have an out, you silly child! Just ignore your teachers, they'll go away, I promise.
- Inside sports
Did you play a sport while in school? Well then inside sports are perfect for you! They’re like sports, but inside! Isn’t that genius? Now you might be thinking, what's the difference between old outdated outside sports and cool, hip inside sports? Well, that’s the kicker: they’re inside. They are exactly the same except you have no concern for your family’s safety or the structural soundness of your house. Kick that soccer ball through the drywall, throw that baseball through the window. Who cares, the world is ending!
- Become a cult leader
Listen carefully: these are times of mass hysteria. People will believe anything. Buy up a shit ton of toilet paper and eggs, they’ll pray to you. Tell them you’ve got The Cure, they’ll love ya for it. On a serious note though, cults are dangerous. If you become a cult leader, do your research, be responsible. You have people to care for now.
- Become a hoarder
Ok be honest, you’re already a hoarder. Maybe of some dumb junk like buttons or pins, which are lame, or something cool like medieval swords, but you’ve definately got a lot of them. Now’s your chance to take that skill and hoard something useful! Did you know there’s such a thing as artesanal napkins? I didn’t, until the only market with napkins left was Bristol Farms and their waxy colored paper. They’re so not absorbative. Anyway, hoard or something.
- Forget the linear flow of time
It’s the perfect time, or rather the perfect anti-time, to realize time doesn’t exist! Is it sunday? Is in monday? Is it any day at all? It doesn’t have to be! Just ignore the sun and the moon and vibe! No one’s there to keep you in check, the dumb christian calendar can’t hold you down, Jesus’s birthday already passed like two thousand times, it’s enough! I’ve had enough, you’ve had enough, forget it! Ok, since I have forgotten time, I have decided this is long enough to have been writing an article. Sorry that was eight items not ten, but I've invented a new day called blorgsday and nine and ten don’t exist then, so too bad for you. Have fun isolating yourself.