How to politely nosy about college decisions

It’s Feb. 26, 2019. The bulk of college decisions for us seniors are more or less a month away. While it may be an exciting time, it’s also an extremely sensitive time - probably the most intense mix of surprise, joy, confusion and heartbreak apart from prom season. SO: I’ve now spent three eventful years seeking news of my elder classmates’ acceptances with the tenacity of Sherlock investigating a double-murder mystery. I know how it feels, wanting the college deets… But to be frank - as underclassmen who are painstakingly ignorant to how we’re feeling, know that you’re walking on thin emotional-ice (even you, juniors, who think you’re special). I decided to help lay out a few “do’s and don’t’s” to help you be the most respectful, nosy underclassmen you can possibly be. Hopefully I’ll preemptively eliminate interactions that you simply don’t know will offend… ones with potential to break up friendships, land you hearty old black eyes or catapult seniors into dramatic, hysterical spirals. Here goes:    

• Don’t ask the applicant. This seems totally simple; don’t ask to their face! Totally easy, right? No: You want to know so badly. They’re your closest “senior friend.” They won’t mind if you ask them straight-up…Wrong. Don’t. Just refrain. If you’re close enough, they’ll tell you. But don’t ask, in person or on text. They might hate you for at least a day for doing that. People don’t know it’s rude, but I’m telling you: asking straight-up is rude. Wait for them to tell you.

• Crowd-source your information. Collaborate with people around you, because word of mouth is much more powerful than perceived. Also, everyone has that friend who somehow always knows everything when anything happens. Think - college acceptance season is literally their time to shine as gossip-guru, so just ask the college-knowledge-plug (there’s at least one in every grade!). It’s nice: they’ve already done the uber-sensitive asking work for you!

• Ask seniors about other seniors. This is a stellar hack. Because many seniors are in the same boat, we discuss this matter more frequently and tell our close friends the news - good or bad. If you’re curious, don’t ask the person. Ask their best friend.

• Get your eavesdropping game on. Maybe you’re already good at this. If you’re not, now is your time to attempt to let your masterful cross-classroom, lazer-sharp auditory skills fly free. Upon hearing “I heard she got into…” or “I’m deciding between…” I suggest that you naughty sleuths rotate your heads ever so slightly, or your ear, for that matter (if ear-flexibility happens to be your thing), in the direction of any private conversations to which you might accidentally be privy. Listen: eavesdropping is a skill. Some are born with it; some are not. For those who struggle - I can assure you that it comes with practice. But I must warn you - college acceptances, at least during beginning and middle stages, are a hush-hush-type topic. In this aspect of the game, the powerful ears will prevail.

• Honestly, just wait for May 1st. That’s the easiest. May 1st. Commitment day. The absolute HOLY GRAIL (for seniors, obviously, who have been working toward this moment), but also for all of the curious youngin-investigators; it’s one of the best days of the year. On May 1, seniors planning to attend college will wear a t-shirt (73+ degrees) or a sweatshirt (67 degrees and below) with their college’s name printed boldly across the front. Glance around in mixed classes; you’re destined to spot a few. But, if you’re are really committed, venture to the science quad during lunch and mingle awkwardly on the turf, eyes peeled. Here, you can get your fill watching happy students taking group college-photos (which you can expect to see on Instagram later, if you’re feeling lazy.) But pay attention on May 1. You don’t want to miss it. Don’t be absent, because then you’ll be forced back into points #1-3, which are way harder than just looking at your peers’ clothing. Oh and - I guess if you’re nearsighted....I’m sorry?

  Good luck. Let yourselves be nosy; for some it’s just human nature, and it’s alright within the controlled confines of respect and moderation. Polite nosiness is, if I do say so, an art-form, and I know that not everyone is naturally gifted. But hell, in the name of anxiety-attacks, y’all might as well give it a shot.