Pollution in our ozone layer: why football isn’t a contact sport
Taylor Swift, Opinion Editor
What makes a sport a contact sport? This question has been debated by philosophers for thousands of years because it’s soooo thought provoking and interesting. While no one has managed to conjure up a decent answer, everyone agrees that football comes nowhere near being a contact sport.
Let’s start off with the simple fact that football players have big cushions that could theoretically protect them from the dangers of bumping into each other. However, since they don’t even do that, their outfits are just extra weight they have to carry around. Honestly, they would perform so much better if they just ran around in bikinis, then their games might actually be interesting to watch!
One might argue that football players are constantly tackling each other. I argue that the footage we see of these so-called “tackles” is edited and we are all being tricked. You think the NFL would really risk harming their precious MVPs? They wouldn’t. You might have friends who have been to football games and claim to have seen players injured from the rough plays. They are lying to you. The NFL generates how much money each year? They definitely have the funds to pay off their audience to make football seem like a tough sport that requires actual skill. If you ever hear of a football player in the hospital, just know it’s not because of the stupid game. They probably got hurt from playing a game of Sharks and Minnows with marching band kids.
At this point, it might be time to question the validity of football’s claim to the term “sport.” If we’re being honest, football is just a giant game of tag. Anyone can play it. Obviously not everyone is good at it *cough* Samo’s football team *cough* but hey not everyone is good at tagging.
One standing with a pelvic tilt and the other in jeans, two Samo football “players” stand in the middle of a football game, attesting to the sport’s lack of physicality.
Two whales peacefully glide through the oceanic blue waters, basking in the undying sun. Like football players.