Dear Samohi...
By Kendra Martinez, Staff Writer
Dear The Samohi,
AP tests are approaching soon, and I still can’t take a test without using my notes. Any helpful tips?
Sincerely,
Imbecile
Dear Imbecile,
Sure, we have some tips up our sleeves. If you use these, you’re sure to succeed, 100 percent.
Tip #1
Wait until the day before your test and review all your notes since day one. For full effectiveness, wait until the hour before you go in. How could you possibly do badly when all the information is fresh in your noggin? Haters will say this is the least effective way to study. We find it is the best.
Have an online test? No problem, we’ve got you covered.
Tip #2
Hire someone smarter than you, preferably someone who has already taken the test and passed. You will need to figure out a way to project your computer screen onto a bigger screen, maybe use a projector. This way, the person smarter than you will be able to see the questions and tell you the answers without being seen in the camera. If the exam requires you to have your microphone on, try learning morse code to communicate.
If you simply have no idea what’s going on in your class and are sure you will fail, the following tips will completely help you get out of your test.
Tip #3
There’s this thing called a fire alarm. It’s red and you have to pull it to activate it. If you pull it, you will be evacuated and you can make your escape then. Now, we don’t know if your test will be rescheduled, so be prepared for that. But who’s to say you can’t pull the fire alarm each time you go in?
Tip #4
Hire Elon Musk. Pay him to build a robot that looks identical to you and program it with all the information that is needed for the exam. Then, have this robot go take the test in your place. What could possibly go wrong with having a literal machine answer the questions for you? Absolutely nothing!
Tip #5
This last one might seem a little bit extreme to some people, but we find it’s totally reasonable. If you’re willing to take one for the team, you should commit murder. More specifically, it has to be someone also taking the test. So really, it would be two of you taking one for the team. The CollegeBoard has this rule where if someone dies during the test, everyone automatically passes. Sure, you might get sent to jail and someone will be dead, but at least you passed, right? That’s the only thing that matters.
