God bless you, Vapor Delight and God bless America

Although I may not be well received for this request, I will not shy away from it, for there is no other option. Dear Vapor Delight — the Electronic Cigarette store that gifted us with its presence last spring — I would like to nominate you as valedictorian of our educational institution.I’ve been made aware that you do not sell Electronic Cigarettes to minors like us, but your colorful neon walls have enticed us to experiment with your product, even though we haven't had the privilege of purchasing them from you. Partially thanks to your store, students from all backgrounds are now proud owners of Electronic Cigarettes. Because you’ve dedicated your existence to marketing your product to our youth, you’ve made Samo a place we can all be proud of.Your services to Samo have been undeniable, and I feel like it’s my civic duty to reveal how indispensable, praiseworthy and exemplary you are. From my observation, there is no other party more deserving of such profound applause than you. So allow me to take the time to thank you, Vapor Delight, on behalf of the Samo community.First, I would like to personally thank you for reinvigorating Samo students during their lunch break. As you may already know, many complain of our school’s oppressive lunch menu. Any intelligent man or women would conclude that our lunch meat was never part of any chicken nor cow, and other alternatives are about as tasteful and nutritious as the desks we sit on. From my observation, many Samo students grow utterly depressed during lunch hours, for they cannot procure any tasty morsels to keep them satisfied. However, your products offer a remarkable solution. Your E-Cigarettes, often equipped with flavors like piña colada, lycheé, summer and jackfruit, have quieted the displeased Samo population, which has made classrooms, discussions and other school functions infinitely more pleasurable. Teachers and students can work together in a more harmonious fashion, and for that I thank you.In our younger years, I’ve noticed that students take great amusement in trading and comparing playing cards. But as we outgrew this hobby, we looked for new, more mature and reputable hobbies, and have been privileged to find E-Cigarettes. Now, instead of trading vintage Derek Jeter rookie cards, we can do something more productive, and trade inhalant mouthpieces, atomizers and cartridges. This has had wondrous implications to our school. For one, we’ve become a more sociable and pleasant crowd. Now that many of us have a common interest, we can converse and negotiate with people we never would have met in the first place. We have new social groups, which provide warmth and acceptance to those who need it most. And when students will be more adept at chatting and debating, they will thank you, Vapor Delight, for opening up new doors and new opportunities.Like our repugnant lunch meat, classroom learning has become a burdensome bore. It is a universally accepted truth that history, geometry, calculus, algebra, literature, biology, chemistry, physics and Spanish are completely irrelevant in a changing global economy. And, in typical Vapor Delight fashion, you’ve saved us from another abominable obligation. Instead of listening to teachers robotically buzz on about inconsequential topics, we can draw our attention to something more meaningful. See, thanks to you, students finally have something well-respected to distract themselves with. From my observation, teachers often use white boards, which are drawing surfaces that can help students visualize complex material. To properly use the white boards, teachers must turn their backs on the students, and this provides the opportune time for kids to discreetly puff their sandalwood-flavored smoke without alerting the teacher. At last, kids can divert their attention from the cruel subject matter they so vehemently despise.Finally, thank you for making the act of smoking an innocent recreation. What used to be demonized and frowned upon has become guiltless and benign with the help of technology. Thanks to innovative companies like you, we can be assured that heated propylene glycol, laced with addictive nicotine, which has exploded in the mouths of users on multiple occasions, is no longer a hazard to our youth. Thankfully, this produces more E-Cigarettes users, and only enhances the magic you create at Samo. For the first time, I am truly proud to be a Viking.Even though you’ve done more good than people like Gandhi, I know you’re not altruists. You do have to make a profit. However, the price of revolutionizing a high school for the better is invaluable. Thus, I implore you to grant this final request: provide each Samo student with a healthy supply of free E-Cigarettes, which are equipped with a fun array of flavors to suit our preferences. While I know this may be outlandish, I think it could further your chances of being elected as valedictorian. On that note, a personal thank you from a place deep in my heart. God bless Vapor Delight, and God Bless America.