Tell Me, O Muse, of the Many College Tours

As a tenth grader reading “The Odyssey,” I found it incredibly hard to relate to Odysseus. Yes, we’re both known for our brilliance, but what else? I never ruled a kingdom, slayed a hundred suitors, let alone asked to be tied up. Yet little did I know, a year later I would gain the affinity towards Odysseus I always missed. And no, it wasn’t by building a giant wooden horse (believe me, I tried, but my mom elected to keep the dining room table). Instead it would take an empathy building experience, my own personal odyssey. I’m referring to perhaps the most testing of family journeys: the college road trip.To be honest, I never knew what to expect from my college road trip. My sister told me it would be timeconsuming and arduous, but the same can be said about her. As for my brother, he could barely remember his trip, and let’s just say that wasn't because it was a long time ago. The only source I had left was Raven Symoné. And although usually I trust a former Cosby, I found it hard to believe my college road trip would be similar to that of her movie “College Road Trip”: i.e., I didn’t expect my trip would consist of skydiving and Martin Lawrence. Although to be fair, both during the movie and during my trip, my dad cried, but the latter was more due to the cost of tuition.So what was my road trip if not a bundle of laughs and family bonding? It was the realization that my mother is capable of thinking an automated GPS is not only a liar but also passive aggressive, that listening to my father talk about an associate’s lackluster pie chart for two hours is better than listening to his playlist, and most important of all, that one should never order shrimp tacos at a New Hampshire diner.However, putting aside the trauma caused by 10 days alone with my mother and father, I can say that by visiting ten states, touring 11 universities and using four different types of transportation, I’m now an expert on the realities of college touring. And so as a way of alleviating future suffering, I’m going to share with you (and probably my therapist) what I learned from my experience. First off, the most important aspect of college touring is taking everything with a grain of salt. For instance, the first school I visited boasted how it was the American non-magical Hogwarts. I of course thought to myself, “I’ve found the perfect school. What other school could be like Hogwarts?” Then I went to the next school, and once again heard the claim. At that point I thought it was simply a coincidence, but then I heard it at the third, fourth, fifth and sixth schools. By the end of my tour I realized that any college with a Gothic-looking building and a couple of mahogany tables labeled itself as the second coming of Hogwarts.However, even more shocking was my realization of the role tour guides play. It’s amazing how a bad tour guide can make you forget about a once dream school, and how a good one can make that middle of nowhere university seem like your first choice. There are many types of tour guides, but most tour guides can be lumped into one of four groups. The Rude Walker: I’m going to pretend not to hear your questions and walk really fast because I have a class in an hour. The Grandfather: I’m sorry I went two hours over but I really love to listen to myself talk. The Philosophy Undergrad: I’m an individual and you will forget everything I’m saying because my hair is a particularly bright shade of neon. And finally there is the most dangerous: The BFF, the one that is such an eloquent down to earth person that you hope they become your friend. The most dangerous thing about the BFF is that he or she can mislead you, like some preppy siren, distracting you from seeing the faults of the school.So if you plan to tour America’s finest institutions, or even just one institution, remember that a few hours on a campus, good or bad, do not define a college. Keep in mind that factors like the weather on a given day, your tour guide and even the comfort of the chairs in the information session can unduly influence your impression of an institution. Then again, maybe I’m just skeptical because I’ve come to the realization that I may need to rethink my college choices. After all, every school I visited is desperate to emulate a fictional institution where students are gruesomely murdered by a giant snake.