The Noodly Appendage of Pastafarianism

Jones PitskerNews EditorWhen I entered high school, I gave up my religious beliefs and decided to become an atheist. I expected that I would stay godless forever, until I found the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and turned to Pastafarianism as the guiding force in my life.For those who haven't already been taken in by His Noodly Teachings, we Pastafarians follow an all-knowing Being who created the universe with His Noodly Appendages and is even now watching over humanity. To some this may seem absurd, but as pasta is the greatest food, it only makes sense that the greatest Being in the universe must also be made of pasta.When I heard about Pastafarianism, I must admit that I was skeptical, too. But that all changed on one fateful day, when I happened to stumble across a copy of “The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” written by the Great Prophet Bobby Henderson in 2006, lying in the street. I picked up the book and flipped through it, and suddenly it was as if He had struck me with one of His Noodly Appendages. I literally could not put the book down (He would not let me).Eventually I finished the book, and from then on my life was changed. The world was suddenly a different place, filled with the creations of a Mass of pasta and two meatballs with a pair of googly eyes. And it was all so beautiful, so perfect.Before I go any further, I should outline the key features of Pastafarianism, something I can easily do now that I am so invested in it. We are firm believers that pirates, the original Pastafarians, were explorers and have been demonized by Christian misinformation. We also believe that we should not take ourselves too seriously and that every Friday is a religious holiday. Finally, we embrace contradictions (although our religion is not unique in this way).Our order was formed by the previously mentioned Prophet Henderson, who wrote a letter to the Kansas State Board of Education in 2005. The Board had just moved to teach Christian intelligent design in their classrooms, and Henderson argued that his religion was unfairly excluded. Many took this as a joke, but we believers saw our long-awaited prophet, and as Henderson put it in his letter, “millions, if not thousands” of us flocked to our leader.After I discovered such a rich and wonderful following as Pastafarianism, I was driven by the Flying Spaghetti Monster himself to swiftly convert my friends and family to the cause. So I worked as a missionary for His Noodliness in my spare time, and soon I had turned everyone I knew to the path of Pastafarianism.Now that my story is complete, I must urge you all to join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I assure you that it is in your best interest, for this religion is completely real and not satirical in any way. Come and join us, and follow the teachings of the Noodly One, the only true Flying Spaghetti Monster.jpitsker@thesamohi.com