From well-read, to, well, insufferable
Image by QuotesGram
Art inspired by Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis
The following books are not for the easily corruptible. If you’ve ever found yourself toeing the line between bearable and completely intolerable, this is a list of novels you should avoid at all costs. In just a few pages, you may find yourself molding into a person you don’t recognize. Consider this a fair warning: your dearest friends and family can, and will, leave you. Tread lightly, for you will become insufferable.
American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis
“I like to dissect girls. Did you know I’m utterly insane?”
Upon opening this book, you will be introduced to the protagonist, Patrick Bateman. If you are extremely susceptible to your innate desires, especially if your innate desires involve the murdering of everyone around you, Bateman will become your unfortunate idol. His skin, his body, his career—they’re perfect, and they’re tempting. As you read, be very careful that your mask of sanity does not begin to slip, because truth be told, nobody really wants to know the side of you that aspires to be a serial killer.
My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Otessa Moshfegh
“Sleep was my drug, my escape from the monotony of everyday life.”
This novel follows an unnamed protagonist as she embarks on a year-long hibernation, supplied with various prescriptions by a comically incompetent psychiatrist. As a reader, you can only attempt to follow her train of thought as her life comes in and out of focus entirely unchronologically. Stumbling through a drugged haze, she combs through her past and attempts to separate her misery from her narcissism. Just like you, she is woefully misunderstood, much too privileged, much too beautiful and infatuated with somebody who does not care about her. Moshfegh spins a tale from your deepest curiosity: what would it be like to neglect your responsibilities and do absolutely nothing?
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
“I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life.”
In the 10th grade, many Samo students find themselves fundamentally changed after finishing their assigned reading of this common class text. Salinger’s antihero Holden Caulfield dares to do what many of you teenage boys wish you could: live utterly free of the restrictions that accompany adolescence. Following his expulsion from a suffocating prep school, Holden indulges in the privileges of adulthood at age 16, and he sees through the facade that is authority. Unlike you, Holden has no homework, no suffocating parents and no responsibility. Although you’re tempted to follow in his footsteps, do your best to remember that you are not in fact a fictional character growing up in the 1940s.
The Warrior Cats Series by Erin Hunter
“Destiny isn't a path any cat follows blindly. It is always a matter of choice, and sometimes the heart speaks loudest.”
Perhaps the most unconventional on this list, a children’s book series may seem out of place. However, it really isn’t—The Warrior Cats Series simply characterizes a different type of unbearable person. If you’ve ever caught yourself opening up one of these books, it will only be a matter of time before you start to get these cats. You’ll understand what it’s like to have paws and a tail and in no time at all, you just might start to believe you are one of these creatures. Once you get caught up in the world of these brave warrior cats, you’ll find yourself ending up in convention halls, spending thousands of dollars on fluffy costumes, and have no one but your elementary school self to blame for ever venturing into the world of Brightheart and Tigerstar in the first place.
The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me.”
Just as the protagonist of The Metamorphosis found himself turning into a massive beetle, upon indulging in Kafka’s work, you, and many other pretentious boys around your age, are likely to discover a newfound passion for thinking you understand the world better than everyone around you. Kafka is brilliant and tortured; the more you read about the protagonist's crushing loneliness and the disgust he feels towards himself, the easier it becomes to be comfortable in the worst sides of yourself. Why get better when it’s so complex and beautiful to be miserable?