Holiday Starting Five
Carolers are out, candles are burning, a peppermint sky, the fire is churning. The holidays have begun and winter sports seasons are starting. The Samohi’s resident wintertime sports expert Bryce Johnson analyzes the top basketball starting lineup for this year’s holiday season.Disclaimer: The Samohi does not intend to offend any religion by any means in comparing religious figures to basketball players and their attributes. This is simply an alternative medium to celebrate the different holidays and legacies of those involved.
POINT GUARDBaby Jesus a.k.a. “Baby-Faced Assassin” The star of the team is Baby Jesus. He does everything on the court, but when you’re the coach’s son, it’s no surprise. Even before he made the big leagues, everyone was talking about him, saying that he would be the chosen one and lead the team to the promise land. At such a young age he’s still able to dominate on the floor and is constantly a target for the other team. Even if he has been struggling all game long, he can revive himself down the stretch and hit clutch shots. Opponents don’t know what he’s capable of. Just like the NBA’s reigning MVP Stephen Curry. Everywhere he goes, he is mobbed by his fans and receives expensive gifts, often times myrrh. He gets paid massive amounts of gold in his salary and charitably gives back to the community by spreading mirth.
SHOOTING GUARDRudolf the Rednose Reindeer a.k.a. “Red Rocket”I know you may be wondering how the heck a reindeer plays basketball, but it’s beautiful. Rudolph has the best vert on the team, hooves down. Honestly, sometimes it look like he’s flying, his hang time is ridiculous. He glides through defenders with his slashing ability. Sometimes he gets into a zone where no one can stop him. His nose starts to get really red, and one could even say it glows. This is really helpful when the team is down; Rudolph guides them through the dark. Think of him like Houston Rockets star James Harden, constantly slicing to the basket, yet really inconsistent and many of his peers don’t like him.
SMALL FORWARDJudah Maccabee a.k.a. “The Commander”Judah is the grizzled veteran of the team. He acts as the leader on the floor and gives advice to the team as he is highly respected. Though he grew up in a rural area, he was able to rise his way to the top. Just like Portland Trailblazer-era Scottie Pippen, he experienced a high amount success early in his career as the second option, and now he leads the team. The only problem is he’s a stickler for the rules. He constantly gets on the younger players for not practicing the fundamentals and not loving the game enough, but he can also inspire them to go in and battle for every point, rebound and loose ball. He continuously lights a fire in his teammates that lasts longer than anticipated.
POWER FORWARDKrampus a.k.a. “The Enforcer”Every team needs a bruiser and Krampus is that guy. He brings relentless toughness and hustle and is the cornerstone of the defense, knocking down everyone in his path. Layups are non-existent around him, if someone has an open lane to the rim, they can expect an elbow to the face. Krampus is our Rasheed Wallace. He can often be heard yelling, “List don’t lie!” Opponents fear him and get thrown off their game on a nightly basis. Pairing him with Claus down low has been perfect. Often times Nick is too nice to the opponents, so the intense Krampus comes in and sets it straight. The only problem is, Krampus has a constant habit of getting ejected. He has yet to finish a game, but no one on the team says anything to him because he scares everyone.
CENTERSanta Claus a.k.a. “The Round Mound of Gifting”No surprise here, there is no one else better to have in the paint (region under each basket in front of free throw line) than big Saint Nick. Although Claus is a smart rebounder, as he always knows where the nice balls are, he is really the focal point of this team because of his passing abilities. Santa is really the most unselfish player on this team, he finds the open man every time, and constantly delivers. Think of him as a Marc Gasol-type. On defense there’s a problem of him being too slow. You would think a guy who flies around the world once a year would be fast, but a diet of cookies and milk really catches up to you. Though he leaves most of the manual work to his teammates, he still is important, constantly clogging the lane with his size and denying easy layups to the opposing team. Art by Fatimah Khan