Babies stage walkout over snack time
On Thursday, March 28, chaos ensued at Samo as dozens of toddlers from the on-campus daycare stampeded violently through the school halls. According to eyewitness reports, some of the 2- and 3-year-olds were staging a walkout in protest of the change in snack time. Others simply wanted mayhem. “At first I was, like, ‘aww.’ I really missed that baby-parade-line that I used to follow around Samo when I was supposed to be ‘doing stuff’ during ASB,” said Griffin James (’18) who was on campus for no apparent reason. “But then they whipped out these shivs they carved out of pacifiers. That’s when I thought, whoa, those babies are rad, but like whoa, I’m scared for my life.” According to Samo Admin, the babies left behind a trail of destruction, which officials estimate could reach upward of $100,000 in damages. The three caregivers and two TAs were found battered and unconscious behind an exit door barricaded with Webkinz. Graffiti-scribbles traced almost every wall, with the occasional drawing of a cat or a deformed human with the label “mE”. The trail of Cheerios and Legos not only caused problems for custodians, but also for students like Buddy Moench (’19). “I really chose the wrong day to walk around barefoot. But you know, fashion is subjective. Shoes are subjective! So I had to make my point and not wear them,” Moench said, wincing as he pulled a Lego-man’s foot out of his foot. Feared Samo security officer known as “B” later was reportedly dispatched on bicycle to quell the violent babies. B, however, was inspired by the babies’ senseless, shocking rampage, and decided to join in the violent protest. The babies apparently enjoyed B’s signature meowing. “Finally some people appreciate my meow, hmmm. MEEOW. PRRRRR. MEOWWW. I understand. Are you an alien? Good evening,” B said, while collecting his favorite strewn stuffed animals from the ground. At one point, the babies gathered on the second floor of innovation, took off their filled-diapers, and began pelting them at students. “It was brutal. I was just trying to plagiarize my physics homework before Yaghoubian saw me. All of a sudden I hear high-pitched voices chanting ‘goo goo gaa gaa b*tch’ over and over. Then I felt one of their...bombs splat on my back. It was warm. I turn around to see this one-and-a-half-foot baby giving me the finger,” Rick Singer (’20) said. The Los Angeles County Sheriff Department reported that after getting off campus, Samo’s babies had (reluctantly) joined with Beverly Hills High School’s nursery babies and shut down the I-10 freeway, the I-405 and all of the 3rd Street Promenade. The National Guard was called in to help, but failed; the babies remained unphased despite the Guard’s threats to take “Kung-Fu Panda” and “The Magic School Bus” off of Netflix. According to investigators, trouble began when daycare caregivers decided to have snack-time after nap and not before. However, discontent had been brewing ever since the Honey-Nut Cheerios were switched out for whole grain. Tensions were also already high, because recently, many babies were caught and punished for sneaking to the S-House office to play “Mario Kart” with S-House Principal Dr. Hector Medrano.Administration publicly clarified that the baby walkout was not a school-condoned event and notified the parents that the absences will not be excused, so the rioters will likely make an appearance at the next Super Saturday.