Vegetarians embrace Samo cafeteria "meat"

Samo vegetarians have officially endorsed the cafeteria’s nacho-meat dish, after determining as a group that the meal does not contain enough actual meat to be considered a meat product.“Whatever it is, it doesn’t come from an animal. At least, not one that we know exists,” Samo vegan George Brooks (’30) said.The origin of the ground “meat” used in the dish has long been pondered upon by the student body due to its oscillating smells and chemically contradictory properties.“It’s the weirdest thing—if left alone, the meat, if that’s what you want to call it, gets hotter, not colder. It pulsates gently, and I swear I’ll occasionally hear a distant cry for help from the center of the nachos,” Dylan Robinson (’19) said.However, an interview with the cafeteria staff raised more questions than answers. According to one employee, Mary Alekos, the meat has no known origin; nobody on the staff knows where it comes from or what it’s made of.“We have a vat of the stuff in the back, from way before I joined the staff. It should only be big enough to last around a month, but it somehow never runs out. It’s a bottomless pit of gelatinous goop; we're lucky it tastes like taco meat.” Alekos said.Because of its self-producing nature, marine biology teacher Benjamin Kay has classified the "meat" as a renewable food source.“As long as the vat keeps filling itself, I have no reason to be against people’s consumption of it," Kay said. "I mean, I obviously can't condone it from a health standpoint. But as an environmentalist... go nuts!"After lengthy deliberation last month, advanced equipment was sent in to get to the bottom of this mystery. After a series of tests were conducted, the results, while conclusive, were not clear. It was heavy in three elements: tungsten, carbon and an undiscovered one that seemed to somehow have roughly 2.4 protons per atom. “Its existence still terrifies me, but if it’s an ever-renewing supply of meat-flavored alien, why not join in on the fun?” Alekos said.