Traffic police bring new efficiency to Samo hallways
After years of fielding complaints from fast-paced students, the Samo administration has decided to hire traffic police to monitor the halls. With slow walkers becoming such a heated issue, these traffic monitors will be enforcing a mandatory walking speed of three miles per hour in order to maintain the sanity of the quicker members of the student body. In an official statement made on his newly-verified Twitter account, Dr. Shelton described what led him to his breaking point.“I was walking through the History Building hallway one day and I saw a traumatizing event take place. A freshman was walking behind a line of seniors, swerving across the hall trying to find a way to get through their wall,” Shelton described. “He eventually got so motion sick from all the back-and-forth that he turned bright green and threw up everywhere! It was truly heartbreaking to watch, and I knew that something had to change.”The new traffic officers can be seen patrolling the halls at all hours of the day. Slow walkers will be notified of their infractions via the schoolwide Remind, where there will be a report of offenders published daily. In these changing times, it is important to remember that walking from class to class is a form of transportation, not a leisurely activity. Just as you like to speed down San Vincente before rush-hour traffic, others may find the same thrill in feeling the breeze on their face as the walk to second period. In order to keep the peace between all students, it is imperative that students follow the new speed regulations or suffer the following consequences...
| Offense | Consequence |
| Single person walking too slow* | Must attend every school dance for the rest of the year |
| Two people* | Must mop up water in the History Building bathrooms for a week. |
| Group of people taking up the whole path | Must take barking lessons with D and bark at students who forget IDs and cut class. |
*Note: all repeat offenders must complete the group consequence with the additional task of barking in bathroom stalls to scare out potential Juulers.