Jeff Bezos buys Santa Monica High School
Disclaimer: this article is from our April fools issue
Matilday Not Matildah, Staff Writer
Samo Principal Dr. Antonio Shelton is set to resign from his position in the near future, as former Amazon CEO Jeffrey Bezos has bought the school and is preparing to take over as manager. As the new owner, Bezos will be taking Shelton’s title and duties, while bringing mass changes and improvements to the school. Although the exact number has not been released, rumors around campus say that Samo was sold for $918,373,402.65. Bezos plans to invest much more money into the modernization and industrialization of the school.
“I am very excited about this investment. It is sure to bring a new level of material consumption to Santa Monica, and it will provide genuine work experiences for the young adolescents attending Santa Monica High School,” Bezos said.
The biggest changes the school will see will be the repurposing of elective classes into Amazon warehouses and processing facilities. Conveyor belts will run through classes, each forming a crucial part of the assembly line. Foreign language classes are in charge of assembling orders, visual and performing arts classes are to package and label boxes and sports teams will load and deliver them throughout the city. Carrying heavy loads and distributing them will provide better exercise than most sports already do, and this activity will be replacing P.E. classes as well. The Discovery Building staff parking lot will be occupied by Amazon shipping vans, so that the delivery process may run as smoothly as possible.
“This modernization of the school will bring all kinds of new technology to the school and be easily accessible to all students. The roles of students at the school will be tailored to their strengths and weaknesses. This new system we are implementing promises efficiency and higher production rates,” Bezos said.
Instead of daily announcements, speakers will blast the school’s new anthem, “Bezos I” by Bo Burnham, on repeat for 30 minutes straight. On days when sales are up by 5% or more, they will play “Bezos II” instead. All are required to rise and place their right hands over their hearts for the entire duration of the loop. Failure to comply will result in what Bezos calls “Forced Labor,” which will require students to come on campus during the weekend to continue their enrichment opportunities.
“Studies have shown that these two songs — God bless Bo Burnham — have reportedly increased productivity and morale amongst our student workers, uh, I mean, teams of dedicated interns and supervisors,” Bezos said.
All students, faculty and staff will receive a Prime Membership, free of charge. (Additional fees may apply. Those under 18 years of age will need the written consent of a parent or guardian. All purchases will be supervised by the school and must be age-appropriate.) Students’ Prime accounts will replace their IDs and Lintelio screens, and they will have to present proof of them every day to be allowed onto campus. Upon the adoption of the accounts, students will be required to do all their online shopping on Amazon and listen to songs and podcasts on Amazon Music. Anyone found using Etsy, eBay, Pandora or Spotify will be immediately suspended and put on probation. Bezos will also raffle the opportunity to ride one of his Blue Origin spaceships among exemplary students every year. (Winners are required to pay the full ticket price. Prices start at $250,000. Winners must be 18 years or older to ride.)
Bezos has received widespread criticism from prominent media outlets that question his true motives for buying Samo. He denies all accusations and hopes to clear the air.
“Students of Santa Monica High School: pay no attention to the slanderous media that is trying to taint our names. Please remember your free Prime Memberships and the incredible generosity of your new ruler,” Bezos said.
A “Prime building” may be in the works.