Lunch rush turns violent at Starbucks
Sexy Javerbeast, Staff Writer
As soon as they’ve reached their sophomore year, high schoolers at Samo are allowed to eat lunch off-campus. While many students eat at cafes like Boba Lab or Donut King, the majority of hungry pupils at Samo choose to dine at the Starbucks on Pico and Lincoln.
Almost any Starbucks employee has undoubtedly faced their fair share of ridiculous coffee orders and unbearable “Karens”. However, this particular location (at a particular time of day) becomes more than just a hostile work environment; it becomes WAR. Ex-employee Kaira Lee, as well as many of her coworkers, told The Samohi of her traumatic experiences working at the Starbucks on Pico and Lincoln.
“For as long as I can remember, I’ve been extremely claustrophobic. I told my employer about this and he assured me that I wouldn’t have to face this fear at Starbucks. However, on my very first day, I decided to work the lunch shift. Hundreds, maybe thousands of kids poured in. There was nowhere to go, no escape. I tried to run to the bathroom but several kids were hotboxing the single stall. I broke down sobbing and finally managed to break free after what felt like hours through the back exit,” Lee revealed.
Starbucks employee Ian McGridden recounted yet another traumatic experience working a shift right after Samo students took the SAT.
“I knew it was a risk working that day. I know damn well how the SAT can break students down, how it can turn them into monsters. I don’t remember much besides complete anarchy. The students sprinted out of their testing period with a vengeance. The sheer volume of orders was far too much for our staff of three to manage. Students got too hungry, too caffeine-deprived. They hopped over the barricades and drank straight pumps of our signature syrups, snorted the espresso powder and stole gallons of cold brew without any regard for me or my coworkers,” McGridden said.
It’s clear that ex-employees have been troubled (to say the very least) by the Starbucks closest to Samo. However, public health officials have also been concerned with this particular store. According to all of the current and ex-employees of this Starbucks, both the fire department and several different air pollution centers have visited.
“Frankly, the amount of kids in that store is a fire hazard. Unfortunately, I’ve had to put out many fires due to a string of hotboxing incidents in the bathrooms.” SMFD fire commissioner Frank Frankerson said.
Miraculously, almost all of the Starbucks employees at the Lincoln and Pico location have caught COVID-19 or asthma at least once during their time working there. Fearful that the store had a more serious issue, many air pollution testing centers stopped by.
“We actually found that during the lunch rush, the air in the store was completely infected with COVID-19. It’s the first time that we’ve seen the virus be this present in the airstream. Not only this, there is a ridiculous amount of nicotine and cannabis in the air. No, it isn’t air freshener or the smell of the drinks, it’s the lasting odor of vape devices. It’s honestly disturbing and we recommend a full shut-down of the store for at least a few weeks,” air quality inspector Dr. Applebaum said.
Clearly, anybody associated with Starbucks on Lincoln and Pico has it rough. The next time you’re thinking about eating at Starbucks during lunch, go literally anywhere else.
Photo taken moments before a savage uprising.