Ask: The Samohi

Sophie Salem, Staff Writer

Dear The Samohi,

There are parties every weekend and it seems as though I am not getting invited to a single one. Do you have any tips?

Sincerely,

A Loser

Dear Loser,

Yes! We’ve got advice for days! With these tips, I promise you’ll be wanted at every party.

Tip #1

Get rid of those sweatpants and jeans! If you want to go to a party, you need to go to school as if you’re going to the Met Gala. So, go get that dress from Chanel and head to school with a pair of their most expensive heels. This is the only way you’re going to stand out, so you better get on it!

Tip #2

You need to make it clear that you’ll be bringing a plus one. Not only a plus one… but Taylor Swift. Yes, you need to promise that Taylor Swift will be there and she’ll even perform her hit single “Shake it Off” for free. Trust us, you can’t go empty handed and this way, everyone will want to invite you.

Tip #3

You need to make sure the cool kids notice you, so bring that talking parrot to school. We promise everyone will notice you with this one, but you must ensure that the parrot gives good compliments. For the best results, teach the parrot to say, “I like your hair, squawk. I like your hair.” Or even, “You look good today, squawk squawk. You look good today.”

Tip #4

Bake, bake, bake! Again, you need to stand out, so bake some brownies for the entire school! I mean, how hard can that be? All you need to do is bake 2,800 brownies and without a doubt, you’ll be the most popular student in the entire school. I can assure you, every party in all of Los Angeles will want you.

Tip #5

Start a dance party in the middle of lunch. Yes, we’re serious, get up in front of all of the students and just dance! Bring that speaker and blast some Doja Cat with your best dance moves. This way, you can prove you’re party ready.

That’s all for today, Loser, and don’t worry, we promise if you execute these tips to their full potential, you’ll be the life of the party. 

Sincerely,

The Samohi