Beware the senior plague
Sara Javerbaum, Staff Writer
Dear colleagues, parents of teens and those affected,
It has come to my attention that a new, airborne plague has seized nearly the entire population of high school seniors in America. My extensive research verifies that what we scientists thought was just a simple “spring slump” (a decrease in motivation during the second semester of school), actually manifests itself into a much more serious, contagious illness in high school seniors: Senioritis.
The most common and general symptom of Senioritis seems to be delusion of many kinds. For example, though high school seniors have not received any of their college decisions, they seem to believe that they will be accepted into all of them, and therefore no longer need to focus on school. They may begin to notice a lack of motivation to do their schoolwork, increase in procrastination and a sudden urge to skip their classes.
For parents, it is important to realize that this disease is temporary; it will only last the sixish months that your child is done with their college applications. However, during this treacherous time, it is vital to your child’s health that you catch the early onset signs of Senioritis. If you receive a call from your child’s school district saying that your child skipped a class, do not listen to their excuses. No, there was not a glitch in the system. No, they did not have an incompetent substitute who took attendance wrong. Stand your ground.
When our researchers first began studying students inflicted with Senioritus, they found that the subjects (over 5,000 high school seniors nationwide) had a shockingly low level of stress compared to their younger peers. At first, researchers assumed that the aforementioned lack of schoolwork being done was alleviating stress. We found this to be a dead end, as it turns out that 76 percent of our subjects were “baked,” as they described themselves.
Another odd side effect of Senioritus is a lack of professionalism in the classroom. Many students experiencing delusion also find it difficult to see teachers as just teachers; they tend to be more curious in their teacher’s personal lives than the actual work. Let’s use a hypothetical Calc A/B student, “Johnny.” Johnny should be focusing on the work in front of him but is much more curious in the photo of his teacher’s family. “No way she has kids,” he’s thinking. “Ahhhh, I love Calculus,” is what he should be thinking.
Luckily, until the vaccine for this dreadful illness is developed, I have a few home remedies to cure an already-infected student. The most effective solution appears to be blackmail. To medicate yourself at home using this tactic, all you need is a reliable friend and some sort of editing tool (e.g. Photoshop). Simply have the friend forge a problematic tweet or video of you saying something that would get you “canceled.” From here, the friend can use this against you to make you work. A possible threat could sound like, “I will send this tweet of you rooting for Nate and Cassie’s relationship to UCLA if you don’t finish your APES homework by nine o’ clock tonight.”
While this disease is concerning and extremely contagious between high school seniors, it is not anything to be too scared of. Senioritus tends to go away directly after a student receives their first college rejection, acting almost like a splash of water waking the student up to reality. However, if your student is miraculously accepted into all of their dream schools right off the bat, it may be time to seek professional medical help.
