COVID-19 variants: 1st, 2nd and 3rd
Walden Sullivan, Staff Writer
My name is Karon Avyrus, and I’ve had all three COVID-19 variants. Just in case any of my fans out there want to know which variant they should plan on getting, I’ve arranged my ranking along with very logical reasoning.
Starting off with the Alpha variant: Obviously, this variant has seniority so I’m letting some minor issues slide. I got this variant on Nov. 23, 2020 while on a trip to Great Britain. This was when all of the hospitals were too full to treat new COVID-19 cases, so I was stuck as my own nurse for a little while. My first symptom was that I could not taste or smell. Lucky for me, I saw, like, three TikToks telling me to burn an orange and eat it with brown sugar. I didn’t have any oranges, so I used a lemon instead. It didn’t work, so I give that hack two thumbs down. The next thing to go was the ability to breathe. But that was like, totally OK because I gave an ER worker a 20 dollar bill in exchange for a ventilator, AND IT WORKED. This variant gets a solid 6/10.
Next up was the Delta variant: After already having the Alpha variant, I was feeling pretty confident that I couldn’t get COVID-19 again. But guess what guys… I did! I tested positive on March 27, four days before I planned on getting my vaccine. This variant felt pretty similar to my day one, the Alpha variant, so it’s definitely losing some points for lack of originality. I still hadn’t gotten back my taste or smell, so who knows what happened to my senses this time around. All I know for sure is that Delta airlines is responsible for my transmission, so always remember to fly JetBlue. This measly variant gets 4/10.
Last but definitely not least. The name on everybody’s lips… Omicron: Testing positive for Omicron after getting COVID-19 twice and having three vaccine shots was definitely not ideal. I tested positive on Jan. 1, after blacking out during Miley Cyrus and Pete Davidson’s New Year’s Eve party the night before. When I compare this variant to the previous two, I can tell that it really learned and developed. I think it finally understood how to make its way through the world without killing everyone in its path. This variant was definitely the least needy - I didn’t really have any symptoms—I just layed on my couch watching “Don’t Look Up” and crying about how it’s too realistic. This variant is definitely the yassification of COVID-19 variants, so I give it a 9/10.