Sleep with one eye open, Samo
Sara Javerbaum, Staff Writer
Dear @samohisleeps,
I am your BIGGEST fan.
Since day one, I’ve been admiring your work.
As a teacher here on campus, I’ve had to deal with hundreds of sleepers who completely disregard my lessons. I’ve tried everything. I give out less homework so my students can go to bed earlier, play fun music to keep energy levels high and sure, offer a little bit of meth here and there, but all my attempts have failed. It wasn’t until your very first post that everything changed.
From the first post, I could tell something was in the air. Jimmy, a frequent sleeper in my first period, nursed a Venti cold brew for the full duration of my class. Though caffeinated, the guy still spent the whole period on his phone, so I knew he didn’t want to stay awake to learn. I asked around before finally stumbling upon your account. While I feel like a fool for not creating it myself, I’m beyond grateful that somebody else did.
You’ve instilled such a deep fear in the students around us that productivity has actually increased tenfold. Sometimes, a student will rest their head for a mere second before jolting upright, overcome by dread. The sound of a photo being taken is now more anxiety-inducing than the sound of my students’ alarms. Now that the threat of being “caught lacking” looms over my students’ heads, grades have gone up by an average of 14 percent in every class.
You’ve done what no teacher here on campus has ever been able to do before: keep students awake. Whoever you are, I’ll never be able to thank you enough.
With admiration and amazement,
Anonymous Teacher
