What does your backpack say about you?

Kira Bretsky, Staff Writer

Sara Javerbaum, Staff Writer

If you carry a messenger bag, I hope you have somewhere more important to be than school. If not, you’re probably late for your paper route, so find your old bike from third grade and join the other eight year olds in their hyper-competitive game of sharks and minnows. Trust me, you’ll fit right in.

It’s time to grow up. There was a time, five years ago, when these backpacks solidified your existence as an unsuccessful Instagram slime account owner, but those days are over and you have a physics assignment due tomorrow. Put your Hydroflask and friendship bracelets back on the shelf and get a real backpack.

One has to truly not care about what others think of them to wear this backpack to school. Bringing one of these bad boys to a school with as many stairs as Samo is outrageous; to confidently clunk one’s way up each stair in a rolling backpack requires an utter lack of self-awareness. 

Tote bags, as those who use them in school say, are perfectly comfortable and more convenient. Liars! I just know that your shoulder is aching. It’s not a fashion statement, it’s just a glorified grocery bag. Alright, now scurry on back to the Farmer’s Market before it closes.

This is quite possibly the only acceptable backpack at Samo. You’re unproblematic, put-together and probably the coolest person in the school. Stunning, hilarious, you embody all that is perfection. And it definitely isn’t because I’ve owned it for four years.

Contributors from top to bottom: Amazon / Contributor, Wikimedia Commons / Contributor, Laura B. Dahl / Contributor, Flickr / Contributor