Principal Shelton's Netflix history

After many weeks of diligent investigative journalism, countless long nights in I202, and a whole bunch of bribes, The Samohi has obtained the password to Principal Dr. Antonio Shelton’s Netflix account. This bombshell discovery (and, let’s face it, enormous breach of privacy) came into our hands earlier this week, and true to our purpose as a journalistic institution (this is what real newspapers do, right?) we immediately compiled a comprehensive rundown of Shelton’s Netflix history. Enjoy. 

1. 1. Comedy: On every one of John Mulaney’s stand-up specials, Shelton has left the following review. “Terrible! Mulaney looks like a guy I knew in high school, Eugene Crisp. Every Thursday during P.E., Eugene would fill my shoes to the brim with oatmeal, so I would slosh around school all day dripping protein-rich oat juice everywhere I went. I hate you, Eugene! I hate you, John Mulaney!” Side note: He does not appear to have actually watched any of the specials.
   2. Cooking Shows: Shelton skips around various cooking shows, seemingly hunting solely for episodes that feature eggs. If a show has no egg episodes, he’ll leave a review that’s just a bunch of egg emojis. So… not sure what that’s about.
   3. Reality TV: So, it looks like Shelton recorded an audition tape to be the next ABC’s “The Bachelor,” where he juggles, does karate and stares down the camera while reciting long passages from King Lear. (We didn’t get this from his Netflix account; it was on his Google Drive. We found the password in a locked drawer in his office. Three cheers for investigative journalism!)
   4. Family Movies: It honestly looks like Shelton watches Adam Sandler’s “Bedtime Stories” every night before bed. Every night. I guess the movie is kind of heartwarming? Still seems odd.
   5. Dramas: This one was tricky, because Shelton doesn’t actually watch any dramas on Netflix, but we sent Noah Holiber (’20), one of our staff writers, to his house three nights ago to set the record straight. Holiber jimmied the lock on Shelton’s first floor bathroom window, then disabled the alarm with the code 43218. He then crept through our principal’s dark abode, taking great care not to wake the man himself (which wasn’t much of a risk; we made sure to spike Shelton’s morning coffee with Sleepytime Melatonin Supplements, so he was fast asleep). What did we learn? Shelton has a DVD box set of Breaking Bad, but wrote in Sharpie on it “Too Scary.”
   6. Animation: Just “The Boss Baby.” Upwards of 14 times. Solid movie, really. But I’m starting to worry about this whole article though. Is the whole breaking-and-entering thing okay, in the name of journalism? Is this even journalism?
   7. Soap Operas: Okay, he watches Riverdale. But more importantly, have we committed grievous offenses against a public figure in pursuit of a blatant violation of privacy and an article that at best humiliates a hardworking member of our community, and at worst leads to legal repercussions that threaten not only the fidelity of our paper as an institution but the very futures of us its staff?
   8. Documentaries: Are we… bad people?